21 Best One-Liners

  1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
  3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
  4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
  7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
  9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
  11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
  12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
  13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
  14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
  15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
  16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
  18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
  19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
  20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
  21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
From www.tickld.com.